So you feel attacked
Here are five things to consider when having conversations about diversity.
Maybe someone told you what you said was politically incorrect. Maybe you made a joke that used to be funny, but now it just doesn’t land. Maybe you feel like using they/them pronouns isn’t grammatically correct. Maybe your passing comment led to a conversation about racism.
You can’t keep up with the changes, and you’re told you’re wrong so much that you feel too scared to say anything to anyone. And every time this happens, you feel attacked. Like it’s personal.
I hear and see this a lot, both in my personal life and at work. Someone will say something about another person (who they are, or what they look like) and then be corrected. When this happens, I see folks shutting down, getting defensive or appealing to their rationalization with something along the lines of:
Things are changing too quickly
/ I'm too old to learn something new /
I didn't mean to be rude /
That wasn't my intention /
Things are changing too quickly / I'm too old to learn something new / I didn't mean to be rude / That wasn't my intention /
I think that these interactions are so common that they can very easily lead to a break in connection. What was once banter turns awkward at best and a falling out at worst. Each person walks away feeling unsettled and unseen.
I’m reflecting on this because it happened to me recently with people I’m trying to build relationships with. They were corrected for using the wrong pronouns for me, and the person receiving that feedback said he felt attacked. Now, there are many reasons it could be immediately frustrating to hear this, and it’s easy to become resistant to further conversation.
Yes, I could have explained that this person’s feeling of being attacked removed his accountability for using the correct pronouns for me, and that the correction isn’t personal, etc. Which is all true, but he wasn’t ready to hear that yet. He felt attacked and was therefore also on guard. I was feeling attacked because I didn’t feel like he was listening to me.
This is a critical moment that requires pausing these conversations before we can take the time to educate and ask them to listen to why what they said may be harmful.
Both people are feeling attacked, so how can we move past this? I certainly don’t have all the answers, and in my scenario, things didn’t go so well. I got defensive and felt incredulous at such an illogical fallacy – connection was lost and is still, to this day, being rebuilt.
But if I could rewind and do it all again, here’s the hindsight I would give myself:
Other people’s feelings are valid even if we don’t agree with them or they don’t seem logical or reasonable to us
This person doesn’t have the knowledge that I do, and perhaps they would be willing to learn
If this person isn’t willing to learn, they may not be safe enough to have a relationship with
Perhaps by leading with curiosity, there is an opportunity to learn from each other. I wonder why this person was feeling attacked, and I should have asked. Maybe they felt shame, maybe they felt upset that they caused harm, or maybe something else entirely. I don’t know. But that’s where the opportunity for connection is. Getting curious, hearing them out, and requesting that they get curious back and listen to why, in fact, what they said or did wasn’t okay.
I know that this is more work for the educator and that this type of emotional regulation and tact is exhausting. It’s also not easy to do, especially when we’re passionate advocates; we’re consistently having these conversations (like all the time). There are also some times where it’s not safe to speak up, or you may not have the capacity to engage, and that’s okay too. But for those who are allies and advocates, these are the exact moments we need you. This is when those small actions add up to something meaningful.
If you are the person who is being corrected or has caused harm, you can rebuild the connection by trying to understand where the other person is coming from.
So, if you find yourself feeling attacked for unintentionally causing harm and being corrected, here are five easy tips to help minimize the damage:
Don’t comment on someone’s appearance if it’s not something they can change within 5 seconds (i.e. weight, skin colour, visible disabilities). Stuff they can change includes an open zipper, lipstick on teeth or food on someone’s face!
When someone corrects you, acknowledge the correction and move on – especially with pronouns! Here’s an example:
You: “She made dinner and it was delicious!”
Someone else: “Oh, they use they/them pronouns”
You: “Right! Their dinner was incredible, do you want dessert?”
Remember that just because it’s not your experience doesn’t mean it isn’t true. It’s okay to not be aware that you said something racist, ableist or sexist, but you should believe the person when they tell you that it is.
Get curious. It’s okay to say that you didn’t know or weren’t aware of something, and it’s okay to be wrong – it doesn’t make you a bad person. You can always ask the person correcting you if they could explain things more, or better yet, tell them you’re going to look into the topic further (and Google it!) to get a better understanding.
Language and what is considered appropriate to say (or not say) is going to change, and even though it can be tricky, you are capable and intelligent of adapting to these changes. Remember that every year, new words are added to the dictionary to keep pace with our evolving society! As a fun example, you can check out the words that were added in the year of your birthday here.
At the end of the day, it’s going to take a lot of effort for everyone to shift our language and perspectives to be more inclusive and respectful towards others. I think it’s fair to say that a lot of people don’t like conflict and they don’t like hurting people, but the only way we’re going to learn is by having the hard conversations and strengthening, rather than severing, connection across our differences.
If you want to learn more about how to be an ally, think more training could benefit your team, organization or group, get in touch.
This workshop covers the past and present significance of diversity, equity, and inclusion, explores how your values shape your worldview, and provides practical strategies to become an effective ally. Some topics include:
Identifying personal values
Intersectionality
Giving and getting criticism
Anti-oppressive lenses and approaches
*Minimum four-hour workshop - full day recommended, maximum 15 participants per workshop
